Since I left Munich and returned to the States in 2017, I have been involved in a monumental struggle with feelings of anger, disappointment, and betrayal. The Christian life is a big enough struggle in and of itself, striving daily against sin and temptation; but when you add to the mix feelings of anger, disappointment, betrayal, and being separated from your youngest child, life can be extremely difficult, to say the least. 

For the past three or four months, I would find myself constantly reflecting on what my life would have been had I not met my wife. These thoughts dominated my waking mind and robbed me of sleep on more than one occasion. It had gotten so bad, that I found myself unable to have a conversation with my son without somehow making a connection to my wife; and I rarely had anything nice to say: I was angry.

Anger is a doorway for Satan, so I often prayed that the Lord Jesus would deliver me from these feelings; but the wait was arduous. Finally, about six months ago, I began to see the fruit of this prayer. But it still wasn’t happening as quickly as I would have liked. My rantings were getting fewer and farther in between, but I was still good for the occasional two-hour lecture generously seasoned with expletives.

Finally, last week, realizing that this had gone on for far too long, I told my son what was going on and asked him to pray for me. “Sure” He said, “We can pray about it together tonight.” It had never occurred to me to ask him to pray with me about this. So, that night, we prayed together.

Well, God did not wait long to answer. Two nights later I awoke in the middle of the night, and couldn’t go back to sleep. Staring at the back of my eyelids, and praying in my spirit, I suddenly remembered that many years ago, while in the Army, I learned that anger is a choice. I had never before gave it much thought, but as I pondered this, I realized that before I say or do anything out of anger, there has always been a split second when I am totally aware that I’m about to do or say something I ought not do or say. Right then, a still, small voice tells me not to do or say that thing I’m getting ready to do or say. But 99.9999% of the time, I deliberately ignore that voice. I choose to get angry.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I can choose to be angry, then I can choose to be something else. At first I thought, “I’ll be happy.” But then I realized that happiness, as it is generally understood, is not sustainable for me, because it “results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good.” Right now, what would be good for me would be for my family to be together, and that everyone loved the Lord;. But, unfortunately, this is not the case. How, then, can I be happy? If we can only be happy if we get what we want, how will we ever be happy, when most of us don’t get what we want, and many of us often get what we don’t want?

It was then that the Lord told me that the answer is not to be happy, but to be joyful: to be full of joy. Joy is defined as “the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something good or satisfying.” To be satisfied is to be content, which means to be “satisfied with what a person is or has; not wanting more or anything else” (Random House Collegiate Dictionary). To be joyful, then, is to good with where you are.

I had always defined joy as being happy even when you don’t get what you want, but I had never truly experienced it. What I thought was joy was really happiness, as there was always something external that brought me that happiness. Now I understand that to have joy means to be perfectly satisfied with who you are and with what you have, especially when things are less than ideal (OK, when they suck). That takes some serious practice, because Satan is always busy making us dissatisfied with who we are and what we have. That’s why plastic surgery, tummy-tucks, and hair weave are so popular. That’s why we will go into unnecessary debt to buy a car that’s really not much better than the one we had. We’re just not satisfied.

That realization was a game-changer for me. For the first time, I understood that my anger was not so much directed towards my wife as it was directed towards me. Rather than being satisfied with myself and where I am in life, I was dissatisfied with myself, and I blamed my wife for it. True, there are certainly many things I have a right not to be happy about with regard to my wife; but she is not responsible for everything I am angry about. Moreover, I know that God is in control. And if God is in control, then everything’s gonna be alright. I should be joyful: that is, satisfied, since God Himself orders my steps. To be dissatisfied with myself is essentially to be dissatisfied with God, because He is executing His plan for my life.

I’ve made some great strides in these past days, but my struggles are not over by any means. Having arrived at the solution, it still remains for me to apply it diligently to my life. Joy is a choice; and I must choose every day to be content with who I am and what I have, no matter what the circumstances.

“Be content with such things as ye have” (Hebrews 13:5).

Be encouraged and look up, for your redemption draweth nigh.

Tony